Deciding To Succeed! (STEP ONE)

As I have said in previous posts, it's not enough to want to change. I think "wanting to change" is a pretty familiar feeling or desire for most people. After all, no one is perfect, and we all have things about ourselves, our situation, and our lives, that we wish could be different.

I wanted to change for a LONG time. With every new pound or inch that I gained, I wished it wasn't there. And every time I made unhealthy decisions in regards to what I put in my mouth,I would beat myself up over it, frustrated by my "lack of self control", and what I perceived to be "my inability to to make the right choices" in regards to my health and my appearance.

On January 1st, I progressed from "wanting to change" to "DECIDING to change". And I also changed my mind set from "should" to "could". And I think that mind set has made all the difference.

Believing You Can & Will Succeed! (STEP TWO)

Low self esteem and self hatred are the enemies of success. Believing that you just don't measure up, or feeling like you don't have what it takes to reach your goals will guarantee that you don't. And expecting perfection from yourself will surely leave you feeling overwhelmed and unmotivated to change. I recognized the truth in that early this year, and that is one of the reasons why I am sitting here today, 40+ lbs lighter!

I realized that the first thing I had to do was believe in myself, believe in my ability to change.And just as important as believing that I was capable of change was believing that I was worth it! Easier said than done, of course, since negative self talk seems to come naturally to me.

I made the decision that I was going to stop that depressing inner monologue, that I was going to be kind to myself, that I was going to talk sense to myself, whenever those self loathing, self defeating thoughts came up. It wasn't easy at first, in fact, it was quite a battle. It STILL IS on some days. But progress is definitely being made in that area!

For those of you who are struggling with self doubt, and self loathing, I would suggest writing down a positive mantra to repeat to yourself. Mine goes something like this:

I believe I have the power to change!

I believe I have what it takes to better myself & reach my goals!

I know it will be hard at times, but I also know that I am worth the effort!

Or sometimes my mantra is:

I have decided to be the best that I can be today!

I will strive for PROGRESS, not PERFECTION!

I will celebrate and be proud of who I am, and what I have accomplished!

I CAN & WILL reach my goals!

Feel free to use mine, or come up with some of your own. Whatever works for you. Whatever gets you out of the habit of self defeating and self loathing thoughts.

Taking Time To Figure Out Your How's & Why's (STEP THREE)

I have wrote about this in my previous blogs, and I will do so again, because it is so important!

I can't tell you how many times I have read posts on the Weight Watchers message boards, (or talked to others who are trying to lose weight) and heard something like I this:

"Starting again! This is my 3rd attempt at losing weight with Weight Watchers....I hope I am successful this time."

"Lost 80lbs a few years ago, but somehow I have put 65 of it back on!"

"I just keep losing and re-gaining the same 20lbs!"

Sound familiar? It did to me too, and was definitely something I could relate to! Got me thinking though: "What the heck is the point of putting forth the effort to lose weight in the first place if you aren't going to keep it off in the long run?" I mean, isn't taking it off ONCE in a lifetime hard enough!

I think the reason that most people aren't successful with maintaining their weight loss is because they rush right into the "taking it off" phase. We all know how to do that right? Healthy eating and exercise (we're not talking rocket science here,LOL)

But if you don't take the time to figure out WHY you are overweight in the first place (and I don't mean the simplistic, obvious reasons like " I eat too much,and I don't exercise") you are not going to be successful at maintaining your weight loss or perhaps, even losing weight in the first place.

You have to go further than that, deeper than that, beyond the obvious. I did, and that's one of the reasons I was able to lose weight, and one of the reason I feel confident now about my ability to keep this weight off for the rest of my life.

When I analyzed my HOW's & WHY's in regards to my continuous struggle to lose and maintain weight loss it was pretty clear to me that, in a nutshell, I was fat because I used food to cope with stress. I used food to cope with sadness and anxiety. I used food to cope with boredom and loneliness. And I have always struggled to find enjoyment in physical exertion. In my opinion, if it didn't involve sunny weather, or spending "quality time" with my man, I didn't enjoy breaking a sweat! LOL

Perhaps you can relate to my HOW'S & WHY's. If not, I would strongly encourage you to take the time to figure out your own.

You may be thinking " I don't have to do it right now, I will just start with my diet, and try to get in some exercise today. I will figure it out later." And it's true, you can start to eat healthier and fit in a walk, and you can start to lose some of that weight you've been carrying around. BUT if you want to maintain the weight you do lose, you have to spend a bit of time figuring these things out. A better understanding of yourself and your weaknesses, can also help you to lose weight quicker and more consistently by helping you to stay on course, and by helping you to know what you are up against so you can take steps to overcome those obstacles. You are less likely to be successful in moments of weakness and temptation if you haven't taken the time to figure out what they are and when they will occur.

That takes us to STEP FOUR!

Making the Change! (STEP FOUR)

Ok! So I figured it out! I overeat, and I overeat because I have an unhealthy relationship with food! I see food as my friend,my comfort, my entertainment, etc.

NOW WHAT?

Well, now comes the scary part.....trying to come up with "something else" to fill the void. Trying to start doing things in a different way, time to figure out what works!

I don't have all the answers here, but a lot of what is working for me, will work for other people. Everyone has their own quirks, their own beliefs, and their own set of needs, so it is important that each person figures out what works for them.

For me, it has been helpful to acknowledge to myself, and to others, how I am feeling. To end my silence. Sometimes it's just in a journal to myself. I write about what is stressing me out, or making me sad. I write about my regrets and the things I wish I had done differently. Just putting those things down helps me to deal with them, helps me to feel I can put them to rest, even if it is just for the time being, until I have some more clarity about them. Acknowledging my feelings in this way has helped me to face them and deal with them in a more positive way, instead of turning to food to distract and soothe me.

When someone ticks me off, I express my anger. When someone does something that hurts or offends me, I let them know! If someone does not treat me with dignity and respect, I let them know what my boundaries are and that I will not allow them to treat me that way.

I share my opinions, without fear of whether people agree with them or not. (I used to be WAY too concerned about other people's opinions. More concerned about theirs, than my own.)

I have also found it helpful to forgive. Myself and others. And believe me, there has been MUCH to forgive, both in regards to my own history, choices I've made, and in regards to what others have done to me.

Forgiveness is not easy. I find it to be a daily challenge to forgive, some days harder than others. But I continue to work towards it, to try and see things in a different way, because finding forgiveness, towards yourself and towards others, can be such a freeing thing. Walking around daily, feeling hurt and angry, is like carrying around a bag that is full of rocks. It weighs you down, far more than any physical weight ever could. And like I said, it's not easy to forgive others when they have wronged you. In situations of abuse (sexual, physical, mental) it can be especially hard.

But I realize that we don't forgive others for them, we do it for ourselves. Forgiveness is not saying "What you did to me wasn't so bad". Forgiveness is saying "I choose to let this go. I choose not to hold onto this, I choose to take back my power! I will not let you influence my life or my emotions anymore!"

I find forgiving myself the hardest at times. It's hard to let go of feelings like "I wish I hadn't done that", or the unrealistic beliefs that I SHOULD have been perfect. SUCH BS! Like anybody can be perfect anyway! But still, it is hard to accept the reality of my humanness all the same at times.

So, who do you need to forgive? What do you need to vent or journalize?

As always, thanks for listening! Feel free to write me or leave me messages with any questions or comments you might have. I am always happy to help!

My next blog entry will be posted shortly, either later on today or within the next few days.

Until then,

Take care,

Rebeckah Faith

,

Subject:
Tips for Weight Loss

Sent:
July 16 12:54 PM

Hi Rebeckah - just saw your post on the WW site.  What has helped me is cooking healthy meals instead of ordering out or going out all the time.  When I cook I'm so much more aware of what is going into my mouth.   I also joined a gym and hired a personal trainer to help on my journey.   BTW your before/after pictures are such an inspiration.  Fantastic work. ~Vikki

Reality Check

January 1st of this year was the day I think of as "The Day I Finally Woke Up" . It was the day I got on the scale and saw 179.1 lbs and (after a good cry) said to myself: "NO MORE!" I am going to change this! Starting NOW!"

But I knew that it wasn't enough for me to just WANT to change. It wasn't enough to recognize that desire in myself. I knew I had to have A PLAN, and even more importantly, I had to figure out the WHY's & the HOW's. That was my first step. And I think it should be the first step for everyone who is struggling to lose weight. Especially if you want to be successful at reaching your goals! And especially if you are like me and have struggled to keep your weight at a healthy level most of your adult life! (Oh no, January 1st 2008 was not the first time I have found myself in a situation where I had too much weight on my petite frame! More on that later....)

So before I made a plan as to how I was going to get the weight off, I spent a few hours with myself, figuring out.... 

The HOW'S & The WHY'S

I didn't go to bed one night,fit and at a healthy weight,only to wake up the next morning, shocked to see that I had turned into a fat,out of shape person. It was more like 2 lbs here, then another 3 lbs there. I think that's how it is for most people who find themselves in the same situation I was in at the beginning of 2008. And it makes sense to me that if the weight had come on that quickly wouldn't all of us who are carrying around extra fat be quick to do something about it? Probably.

But it's not like we wake up one morning and say "Uh,..who is this and what have you done with my body?" The weight kind of creeps up on you, and it's easy to let it slide for too long, and harder to see the changes in the way your clothes are fitting, and in the reflection that is staring back at you in the mirror.

Even when I had put on enough weight where I was hearing that voice in my head saying: "Uh oh, wait a minute, not fitting into my cute jean anymore" or "Ok, I am not feeling as sexy or attractive as I used to feel" I still didn't feel motivated to change my lifestyle, or get to the root of the problem, because there were so many "other things" going on in my life at that time, they took the focus off of me taking care of myself. And it was infact those "other things" that were contributing to my weight gain in the first place.

I think the HOW's & WHY'S of my weight gain (and perhaps yours?) are pretty closely linked,they go hand in hand, they are "cause & effect".  And when I spent a few hours really analyzing the whole issue of my weight gain I came to realize that my reasons for putting on weight were as follows:

     WHY?                        HOW?

Ok, so those are SOME of the reasons I started out this year at 179.1lbs. I know there are more reasons, some I haven't even figured out yet, even 7 months into this journey! But I had my hands full dealing with just those issues, those reasons WHY & HOW I gained weight. And at 40lbs lighter (at the time of this writing) I have developed some much needed self-esteem and confidence in myself & my ability to change for the better & to accomplish my goals! So when a few more of my HOW's & WHY's make themselves known, I know that I will be able to deal with them too! And I have no doubt that if I can do it, than YOU can do! Anyone can! You just have to believe in yourself, and love yourself enough to change. And you have to believe that you're worth it! BECAUSE YOU ARE!

*Stay Tuned* for my next blog entry which is titled: MY PLAN (I will go into further detail about exactly how I lost 40lbs in 5 months) And let me know if you're reading this...or if you have any specific questions for me. I would love to help you to be successful with your own weight loss goals! Also, more BEFORE & AFTER pics will be posted soon!

Until next time,

Rebeckah Faith

January 2008

~The Tale of the SCARY SCALE~

On January first of this year, I decided to be brave, and get on the scale. I already knew that I had "let myself go", physically speaking. It was kind of hard to ignore the fact that most of my clothes didn't fit. And the ones that did looked,...well...AWFUL! (And were well on their way to being retired to the back of my closet due to my ever increasing size!) I knew I had gained some weight, but I wasn't prepared for the number I saw on the scale that day. 179.1 lbs! Ouch!

Even though I knew I was steadily getting heavier & heavier, I had been putting off actually weighing myself for quite some time...I guess I didn't really want to know. That's quite silly when you think about it, because "not knowing" doesn't make the truth any less true. And there it was that day...THE TRUTH...At 5'2 and almost 180lbs, I was FAT!

~Miserable & So Ashamed~

I can't even describe how horrible I felt about myself, how ashamed I was about the way I looked.  Every day started with the question of "What can I wear today to hide this wide ass and HUGE tummy? What can I wear to cover up these jiggly arms and massive thighs?" Usually jogging pants and big t-shirts were my attire of choice, IF I even bothered to get dressed at all! (I mean, why get dressed when you are just going to sit on the couch watching TV, or plant yourself in front of the computer all day,right? And that IS what I did most days.

I didn't want to go out, or be around people. In all honesty, I had turned into quite the hermit! The times when I did venture out (usually out of necessity) I was always anxious and nervous that I would run into someone that I knew. I was so embarrassed by my physical appearance that running into friends, and even going to family get together's, was a tortuous experience. I could just imagine what these people were thinking..."Wow, has she ever let herself go" or "Oh my goodness~she is FAT now!" And the truth of the matter is, a lot of those people probably did have those thoughts about me. I know I did.

~Ignoring My Positive Inner Voice~

I believe that there is that point in every overweight person's life when the truth about how they look, and more importantly, how they feel about themselves ,becomes a reality in their lives. It doesn't necessarily hit you full in the face right away. At least it didn't with me. But there did come a point where it was pretty obvious, as hard as I tried to remain in a state of denial, that things had gotten out of hand in regards to the size of my ass! The "truth" started to creep into the corners of my mind. It started to become a part of my inner voice. The one that said "ok, I'm not looking or feeling so good" or "I have kinda let myself go here and I am not where I want to be." 

You'd think that would have been the moment that I would have said to myself "OK! Enough is enough! I'm gaining weight and it's making me miserable so I am going to do something about it! TODAY! But sadly, that was not the case. Because there was this other voice inside my head that was also speaking to me about my ever-increasing size, and unfortunately, I chose to listen to that voice instead. It was the one that said:

• " You're so ugly, & disgusting! "
• How can you be so weak? You're pathetic!"
• "Don't even bother..It's too hard...you can't do it...you can't change."

And it was that inner voice that caused me to feel hopeless about my situation, and unmotivated to change it. Instead, I just decided to be pissed off at myself. I allowed myself to get depressed about the fact that I had put on weight. I allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the fact that it was going to take work and effort on my part to get back to a place where I felt good in my skin. So even though I was hearing that voice, the one telling me to start making some positive changes in how I was eating and living, I chose to ignore it. I chose to continue on that path of self destruction,and to continue on with making bad choices in regards to how I spent my hours and what I put in my mouth.The end result was more weight gain, and more self hatred!

It's funny to me (although not in a "haha" kind of way) how we can hear that voice, the one that tells you " This is not good...this is not how I want to look or how I want to feel about myself" and yet do nothing about it. And it got me wondering as to why????

How is it that we can come to terms with the fact that we are gaining weight, or even go as far as to label ourselves as "FAT", recognize that we don't like being fat, and yet do nothing about it? Instead, we buy bigger clothes, continue on with our destructive eating habits,remain inactive, and just hide ourselves away from the world. And why is it that the voice that tells us how worthless we are, the one that tells us that we lack motivation or ability, the one that tells us it's just too hard, is the one that yells the loudest? Why is that voice so much easier to believe than the one that says:

• "Ok, it's time to make a change here, and I CAN DO IT!"
• " It's time to reclaim who I am and get back to being who I want to be: a fit and healthy person, full of energy,peace and joy!"
• "I will do this! Why? Because I'm worth it!"

The truth is, I don't know the answer to that one. Perhaps it's just human nature to believe the worst about ourselves. I don't know. But what I do know is that it's not impossible to tell that hateful voice to SHUT THE HELL UP! And it IS possible to start telling yourself positive things about yourself, about your worth as a human being. It is possible to change things around so that it gets easier to listen to the quiet voice inside of all of us that tells us that we should and CAN change for the better!

~In Too Much Pain To Stay The Same~

 Someone once said to me "People rarely change unless it hurts too much to stay the same."  and I think there is a lot of truth in that statement. When I stepped on that scale on January 1st, and saw that scary number staring back at me, something in me just clicked.  I could no longer deny that my weight had gotten way out of control and that it was seriously affecting my energy levels, my health & happiness, and my sense of self worth. I had to do something about it, and I had to do something about it NOW! I just knew that I couldn't live one more day trapped in a body that did not feel like my own. (Or was it "trapped in a body that I didn't want to admit was my own?" LOL) But deciding to change and actually making a change are two different things. Deciding is just the first step. On January 1st 2008 I decided to change!

 ~Planning To Succeed!~

After I decided that I wanted to change, I knew right away that I had to come up with a plan for success! I came to accept the following truths:

• Before I can LOSE weight I have to GAIN self esteem, and self love.
• I have to face reality and ask myself some serious questions to figure out the reasons WHY and HOW I have let my weight get so out of control in the first place.
• I have to decide that I am willing to do the work, and believe in myself enough to know that I can accomplish the goals I will set for myself.

Easier said than done! But NOT IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!

Infact, as I sit here today, 40lbs lighter and close to reaching my goal weight, I know that anything is possible if you believe in yourself, and love yourself enough to decide to make the changes you need to make in regards to what you are eating and how you are living. If you are willing to do the work, to figure out the "How's & the Why's" in regards to your own weight gain. If you are ready to dig deep, and face the pain and the reality that is your life. That's what I'm doing....and guess what? It's working!

(Need Proof? Stay tuned for my next blog,which will include photo collages of where I was in January and where I am today! It will also include more of my personal weight loss story. I know what is working for me can work for you too! And let me know if you're reading this ...I would love to hear your story too or answer any questions you may have!)

Until next time,

Rebeckah Faith

Why I've Decided To Start A Blog

I'm not one of those people who spends hours and hours online, surfing the web, reading other people's blogs. Usually, if I am online, it's to do some research or to check my email. (And ok, I'll admit it..I too,like almost everyone else I know, spend a little bit too much time on facebook and MYSPACE!)

Having said that, I am not a stranger to blogs. Over the years I have come across quite a few that were actually very entertaining and well-written.  (And just as many that were dull and pointless,LOL) But I have come across enough good blogs, the kind that are entertaining, educational, and even moving, that I can see the value in them. And it's those kinds of blogs that got me to thinking that perhaps I should start one of my own.

Actually, I have wanted to start one for quite some time now, but something always held me back. Perhaps it's my tendency to procrastinate, or the fact that I am often guilty of mismanaging my time or being helplessly disorganized and "scatterbrained". Or perhaps I just wasn't sure how comfortable I was with the idea of putting my thoughts out there for just anyone, and everyone to read! I'm still not entirely sure how comfortable I am with the idea of posting my thoughts online, but I'm willing to put those reservations aside and join the masses of those whose thoughts and experiences are floating around in cyberspace.

Why?

• Reason #1~I love to write. Used to be pretty good at it, actually,if memory serves. (During my younger years I used to write on a daily basis. Sometimes I wrote in a journal or kept a diary. More often than not I was creating songs or poetry. And sometimes I even made attempts to write stories or novels...although I never was all that good at finishing those for some reason,LOL. Guess I have always been better at writing about reality.)Somewhere along the way I got out of the habit of writing and I think that's an unfortunate thing. I've heard it said that "if you don't use it you lose it" as far as a person's creativity and talents are concerned, and I would have to say: I can see the truth in that. It used to be so effortless for me to put my thoughts to page, but now  the words don't come so easy. But I am determined to get back into the habit of writing.

• Reason #2~Writing is like "free therapy". I have always found writing (whether it be an entry in my diary or a new song)to be a therapeutic process and a good way to sort things out in my head. Lately, I have had a lot on my mind. I spend much of my time alone, not really sharing with people what I feel and think about things and that can leave a person with a pretty "cluttered mind". I think getting these thoughts and opinions out (whether on a piece of paper, or out there in cyberspace) will help to bring some clarity and peace to my life. So why not just start writing things down on paper or in a personal,private diary? Well, that's a good question! One I am asking myself at this very moment actually,LOL  But I already know my motivation for starting an "online diary" rather than the kind you hide under the bed...and that brings me to the final reason I have decided to start an online blog....

• Reason # 3 ~Entertaining and Educating Others. Man, that sounds arrogant! Like, who am I to think that my experiences and thoughts are so intelligent or interesting? Well, the truth of the matter is, I am just an average gal. Certainly not the scholarly type~but having said that, I do have a few life experiences (both past and present) that would no doubt be interesting or helpful to someone else.Even if it's just to let them know that they aren't alone in some of the things they have been through,or are currently going through, in their lives. I think people are people. And even though we all have our own stories to tell, we have all experienced hardships,and the joy and pain that are an inevitable part of life on this planet. Its our common bond. Having said that, perhaps my "reason # 3" for starting this online blog should be A desire to share my life experience(with the hope that it will encourage, educate or at the very least,entertain others) Yeah, that sounds more like it!

The truth is, maybe no one will ever read this blog. And you know what, that's ok with me. I am writing it mostly for myself,to honour my desire to start writing again. To help me to sort through my thoughts and feelings. To document my experiences,my opinions,my beliefs. I guess I could do the same thing with a pen and some paper, and hide it away in a private place for only my eyes to see..but I figured, what the heck, may as well put it out there, just in case it can benefit someone else.

I am not really sure where I will start as far as "topics" go, but it is fair to say that this blog will probably be about A LOT of different things. One thing I will definitely write about is my weight loss journey, my travels, my family and friends, and my music. I also imagine I will write a lot  about current events~whatever is on the evening news (global warming, war, poverty, and some lighter stuff like my opinions on celebrities and reality TV ~just to keep things from being too heavy,lol)

Well, that's all for now....

Rebeckah Faith