January 2008

~The Tale of the SCARY SCALE~

On January first of this year, I decided to be brave, and get on the scale. I already knew that I had "let myself go", physically speaking. It was kind of hard to ignore the fact that most of my clothes didn't fit. And the ones that did looked,...well...AWFUL! (And were well on their way to being retired to the back of my closet due to my ever increasing size!) I knew I had gained some weight, but I wasn't prepared for the number I saw on the scale that day. 179.1 lbs! Ouch!

Even though I knew I was steadily getting heavier & heavier, I had been putting off actually weighing myself for quite some time...I guess I didn't really want to know. That's quite silly when you think about it, because "not knowing" doesn't make the truth any less true. And there it was that day...THE TRUTH...At 5'2 and almost 180lbs, I was FAT!

~Miserable & So Ashamed~

I can't even describe how horrible I felt about myself, how ashamed I was about the way I looked.  Every day started with the question of "What can I wear today to hide this wide ass and HUGE tummy? What can I wear to cover up these jiggly arms and massive thighs?" Usually jogging pants and big t-shirts were my attire of choice, IF I even bothered to get dressed at all! (I mean, why get dressed when you are just going to sit on the couch watching TV, or plant yourself in front of the computer all day,right? And that IS what I did most days.

I didn't want to go out, or be around people. In all honesty, I had turned into quite the hermit! The times when I did venture out (usually out of necessity) I was always anxious and nervous that I would run into someone that I knew. I was so embarrassed by my physical appearance that running into friends, and even going to family get together's, was a tortuous experience. I could just imagine what these people were thinking..."Wow, has she ever let herself go" or "Oh my goodness~she is FAT now!" And the truth of the matter is, a lot of those people probably did have those thoughts about me. I know I did.

~Ignoring My Positive Inner Voice~

I believe that there is that point in every overweight person's life when the truth about how they look, and more importantly, how they feel about themselves ,becomes a reality in their lives. It doesn't necessarily hit you full in the face right away. At least it didn't with me. But there did come a point where it was pretty obvious, as hard as I tried to remain in a state of denial, that things had gotten out of hand in regards to the size of my ass! The "truth" started to creep into the corners of my mind. It started to become a part of my inner voice. The one that said "ok, I'm not looking or feeling so good" or "I have kinda let myself go here and I am not where I want to be." 

You'd think that would have been the moment that I would have said to myself "OK! Enough is enough! I'm gaining weight and it's making me miserable so I am going to do something about it! TODAY! But sadly, that was not the case. Because there was this other voice inside my head that was also speaking to me about my ever-increasing size, and unfortunately, I chose to listen to that voice instead. It was the one that said:

• " You're so ugly, & disgusting! "
• How can you be so weak? You're pathetic!"
• "Don't even bother..It's too hard...you can't do it...you can't change."

And it was that inner voice that caused me to feel hopeless about my situation, and unmotivated to change it. Instead, I just decided to be pissed off at myself. I allowed myself to get depressed about the fact that I had put on weight. I allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the fact that it was going to take work and effort on my part to get back to a place where I felt good in my skin. So even though I was hearing that voice, the one telling me to start making some positive changes in how I was eating and living, I chose to ignore it. I chose to continue on that path of self destruction,and to continue on with making bad choices in regards to how I spent my hours and what I put in my mouth.The end result was more weight gain, and more self hatred!

It's funny to me (although not in a "haha" kind of way) how we can hear that voice, the one that tells you " This is not good...this is not how I want to look or how I want to feel about myself" and yet do nothing about it. And it got me wondering as to why????

How is it that we can come to terms with the fact that we are gaining weight, or even go as far as to label ourselves as "FAT", recognize that we don't like being fat, and yet do nothing about it? Instead, we buy bigger clothes, continue on with our destructive eating habits,remain inactive, and just hide ourselves away from the world. And why is it that the voice that tells us how worthless we are, the one that tells us that we lack motivation or ability, the one that tells us it's just too hard, is the one that yells the loudest? Why is that voice so much easier to believe than the one that says:

• "Ok, it's time to make a change here, and I CAN DO IT!"
• " It's time to reclaim who I am and get back to being who I want to be: a fit and healthy person, full of energy,peace and joy!"
• "I will do this! Why? Because I'm worth it!"

The truth is, I don't know the answer to that one. Perhaps it's just human nature to believe the worst about ourselves. I don't know. But what I do know is that it's not impossible to tell that hateful voice to SHUT THE HELL UP! And it IS possible to start telling yourself positive things about yourself, about your worth as a human being. It is possible to change things around so that it gets easier to listen to the quiet voice inside of all of us that tells us that we should and CAN change for the better!

~In Too Much Pain To Stay The Same~

 Someone once said to me "People rarely change unless it hurts too much to stay the same."  and I think there is a lot of truth in that statement. When I stepped on that scale on January 1st, and saw that scary number staring back at me, something in me just clicked.  I could no longer deny that my weight had gotten way out of control and that it was seriously affecting my energy levels, my health & happiness, and my sense of self worth. I had to do something about it, and I had to do something about it NOW! I just knew that I couldn't live one more day trapped in a body that did not feel like my own. (Or was it "trapped in a body that I didn't want to admit was my own?" LOL) But deciding to change and actually making a change are two different things. Deciding is just the first step. On January 1st 2008 I decided to change!

 ~Planning To Succeed!~

After I decided that I wanted to change, I knew right away that I had to come up with a plan for success! I came to accept the following truths:

• Before I can LOSE weight I have to GAIN self esteem, and self love.
• I have to face reality and ask myself some serious questions to figure out the reasons WHY and HOW I have let my weight get so out of control in the first place.
• I have to decide that I am willing to do the work, and believe in myself enough to know that I can accomplish the goals I will set for myself.

Easier said than done! But NOT IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!

Infact, as I sit here today, 40lbs lighter and close to reaching my goal weight, I know that anything is possible if you believe in yourself, and love yourself enough to decide to make the changes you need to make in regards to what you are eating and how you are living. If you are willing to do the work, to figure out the "How's & the Why's" in regards to your own weight gain. If you are ready to dig deep, and face the pain and the reality that is your life. That's what I'm doing....and guess what? It's working!

(Need Proof? Stay tuned for my next blog,which will include photo collages of where I was in January and where I am today! It will also include more of my personal weight loss story. I know what is working for me can work for you too! And let me know if you're reading this ...I would love to hear your story too or answer any questions you may have!)

Until next time,

Rebeckah Faith